Let's call American Express. You lost your card,
and you don't know what the number of it is.
That's a great one.
Do the old lady.
I lost my card.
Your... Your accent went in and out on you sometimes.
I went southern and then...
American Express. I'm Danielle, how may I help you?
I certainly need some assistance.
I'm sorry to call you in such a frenzy,
but I'm very shook up. I got my American Express card stolen.
Okay, can I have your last name, please?
Yes.
What's your last name?
Right.
Okay, can you give me your name so I can look up your account?
Yes. Helen.
What's your last name, please?
Easafawn.
What?
Helen Easafawn.
E- A
S- A-fawn.
Jerry's Famous Deli. This is Cindy. May I help you?
Hi. I have no legs. May I speak to the manager?
Now, if I get a bill and it's something, like, for...
But two times in a row I eat the damn roast beef and I'm...
I can't stop going to the bathroom!
Well, I'm sorry, but there's nothing I can do for you.
Ma?
And my son thinks I'm crazy.
Ma, who you calling?
It's Jerry's. And don't tell me not to call them.
Jesus Christ, get off the fucking phone!
Don't talk to me that way!
Get off the fucking phone!
What's going on?
Same thing as the last time.
Did she... What'd she call you about?
The roast beef? Yes.
All right, she just puked in the kitchen.
That's all right. I suggested that she doesn't eat roast beef
if it doesn't agree with her.
I... I appreciate your suggestions, but I love roast beef.
It's delicious!
Go clean up the mess!
I can't. Get off of me!
You son of a bitch!
George?
Hi, Mr. Simmons.
Ladies.
George Simmons, man! Can I get a picture?
Yeah, yeah. You got it ready? All right, hit me, baby, all right.
Get a little tittie in there. Come on.
How are you? You're really funny.
Thank you. You're funnier.
Hello. Hi!
Gentlemen. Gentlemen. Hey, what's up?
Hey. How are you?
Hey, handsome. Doctor.
How are you, kid?
How are you, baby?
The Lunestas are working, baby.
Those are smooth. No hangover.
Fall asleep, bam. Fucking what was the deal with the Restorils?
Why did you give me those? You trying to fuck with me or something?
George, we got the results back from the follow-up of your blood count
and it's not what we hoped for.
As I mentioned earlier, the CBC was abnormal.
Your white blood cells were four times the size that they should be.
And very low hemoglobin, seven grams per deciliter.
I don't understand what you're saying right now.
Can you speak how people speak?
You have a very serious disease. It's called AML.
It's a form of leukemia and I can't predict how this will play out,
but I feel you have a rough road ahead of you.
That's George Simmons, right here.
George! George! George Simmons!
Hey, man! How, how you doing, man? I'm a big fan of yours.
I'm sorry to say we're past the point where traditional structures
like chemotherapy and radiation would be effective at all.
And I think it's best for us to pursue an experimental course.
Here you go, ma'am. Your tamales.
Thanks for shopping at Otto's. Yo, Chuck,
I'm going up at the Comedy & Magic Club doing stand-up.
You should come watch me.
Don't let him suck you in. He's not funny.
Nah, he's right, man. No way, man. That shit was painful.
I mean, it was hard watching you suffer up there.
I had fucking nightmares after that.
That was a long time ago. That was months ago.
I've gotten a lot funnier since then.
Then you bored my wife to sleep.
I couldn't get no pussy that night, man.
Don't blame me for your pussy issues.
Are they gonna pay you? Pay me? No!
That's just how it starts. You don't get paid in the beginning.
You gotta, you know, work your way up through the ranks.
My nigger, how the fuck you in show business
when you got no business to show?
I'm supposed to be writing jokes.
I'm supposed to be doing comedy.
I'm not supposed to be making macaroni salad.
I hate it, man. It's depressing. Otto's sucks!
You don't know about no motherfucking hard time, man.
I'm a ex-convict, man. Otto's the only place that would hire me.
You too good for Otto's now?
I'm not too good for it.
I just don't... It's not for me, you know, I'm sorry.
See that bridge? 1,200 bucks.
Okay.
On the house, man! Otto, man! Otto's my lotto.
Come on, man, look. I can't work here anymore, all right?
What, you gonna be on TV or some shit like that?
I am gonna be on TV. The chunky guy on Survivor or some shit?
No, I'm gonna be like Seinfeld.
Get the fuck out of here, man!
You ain't gonna be like Seinfeld.
Seinfeld's my motherfucking man!
Now Kramer,
Kramer gets a pass from me 'cause Kramer's my nigger.
Well, very forgiving of you.
Look, as a friend, man, let me tell you something.
You're not funny. I think I'm funny.
I got new jokes, man, and they're good.
Let me hear one of your new jokes.
Okay, I got one like,
I'm really good at Guitar Hero, you know, on PlayStation,
and I was so good at it, I thought, like, "Maybe I should get a guitar. "
Then I thought like, "I'm really good at Grand Theft Auto,
"maybe I should start beating up hookers. "
Okay, that got me. That was humorous.
I thought you'd like that.
But, yo, I ain't got no dough, man.
For real, if I had some dough, I would go.
I'll pay your cover charge.
That's the night I take my wife out also,
so you gotta pay for my bitch, too.
Okay, I'll do it. Okay. If you come and laugh. Laugh loud.
Like that? That's good. Perfect.
I'll see you Saturday then.
Okay, good. Thank you.
Craig, listen to me. I'm doing the best I can, okay?
I wiped your ass our entire childhood. Now it's your turn, buddy!
Well, you're the one that asked the wizard to make you young again.
I didn't mean this young!
Last time I had a suit on, at my bar mitzvah.
My bar mitzvah, it was the last...
And now I got the same suit. It's the same suit.
I think it looks good. The bar mitzvah was a good day in my life.
I made more money that day than I think I'll ever make again.
You know, it's really sad. To peak at 13 is a weird feeling.
This is indicative of the kind of...
Yo. Yo. Shoot that. Look at that!
Both those girls just go, "That's the guy from MTV."
I swear on my life, those two girls, they were just going,
"That's the guy. " It's the second time it happened.
I got off a... I got off, I got off the bus, and...
I mean, the train. I'm walking out...
Me and Ann traded shifts. My family's in from Green Bay.
You know, come to see how their daughter's doing in the big city.
You know, wait, you went to school here, right?
Hello?
Hey, Laura, it's George.
How's the northern side of California going?
What do you want, George?
I was wondering if you had a few minutes.
I wanted to talk to you about something.
Actually, I don't. I was just walking out the door.
Is it okay if I get your number and I'll give you a call back later?
I know I'm not supposed to call you.
I just wanted to let you know that,
that I really am so sorry about everything.
I'm sorry, I screwed up.
Too bad you didn't realize that back then, but
anyway, I gotta go. Do you want me to call you back?
No, you don't have to call me back. I know you're not going to,
but I just wanted to let you know I was sorry one more time.
Okay. Well, all right. Okay, good luck, George.
Okay.
You know, so, like, I have this joke about how, like, you never see, like,
a very attractive, blonde, big-breasted homeless woman.
You know, like, someone will take care of that person no matter what.
That woman's gonna be fine. All right, so here's the joke.
You can be attractive and stupid and make it in the world.
Yeah.
And you could be unattractive and smart
and make it in the world. Yeah.
But it's the ugly, dumb people who are really screwed
'cause they're ignorant and an eyesore.
That's funny, man.
That's pretty funny. I think that'll work.
I was thinking of doing this thing where, like,
I'm not good-looking and I'm not bad-looking.
I'm kind of, like, right in the middle, you know.
Like... Like, if I had a good personality, I could get any chick in the world,
but I don't. Yeah, it doesn't work.
I auditioned for Budd Friedman at the Improv.
He okayed me and made me a regular.
Budd won't even look me in the eye.
Man, that's... Good for you, man. Congratulations.
You shouldn't have lost all that weight, man.
There's nothing funny about a physically-fit man.
I know. It's lame, right? Yeah.
No one wants to watch Lance Armstrong do comedy.
Oh, God.
Hey, Ira.
Oh, hey, Mark. Can you do me a favor and never leave a paycheck
from your shit sitcom on my pillow ever again, please?
That is so rude of me to accidentally leave my paycheck
for $25,000 on your pillow. I'm sorry.
It's a dick move.
It's just, they keep coming,
you know, week after week.
It's getting a little bit hard to keep track of them all.
You know what? Becoming marginally famous
has really turned you into an asshole.
Now listen, I'd love to stay here and chat with you, but we have company.
You know that girl comedian who lives across the street?
The one with the dark hair and the bangs?
Daisy, yeah. Daisy, right.
Well, I bumped into her outside and I invited her in,
and she's sitting in our living room right now.
She's out there right now?
She's hot and she's mousy, but kind of like...
She's mousy like a mouse you want to stick your dick in.
Yeah, you've gotta get out there and talk to her.
Why would you do that?
What do you mean, why would I do that?
I'm trying to hook you up.
Well, I'm laying groundwork, man.
I got a three-month plan. You can't just throw me into this.
I'll give you 10 days on your three-month plan.
No, I need 80 more days than that!
Okay, I do this because I care about you. I do this to motivate you.
But I will fuck that girl in 10 days. I promise.
Come on, dude, I'm not cute like you.
I don't look like Jackson Browne. I look like Jon Favreau!
Don't do this to me. Don't make me fuck her.
Well, then just don't fuck her!
Don't you put me in this corner where I have to fuck my way out.
He'll do it, too. He'll do it. I've seen him do this before.
I'm gonna go out there and warm her up. I'll see you out there.
Kanye. Kanye!
No. T.I. T.I.
Lil Weezy. It's all about Common.
Eminem. But do you guys know
who the greatest rapper of all time is?
William Shakespeare!
I know it's silly, but it's fun. You know, people like it.
Yeah. You know?
It's just cool that you're on TV. I mean...
I can't believe you haven't seen this before.
Yeah, I can't believe it's gotten by me.
Is it on a kids channel? WB? A teen channel or something?
No. It's on NBC.
Really?
Ira, this is Daisy. Oh!
Daisy, Ira. Hi.
How are you? How's it going? Good.
Actually, I have a cold, so I shouldn't...
Oh!
Air shake.
I've actually seen you do comedy at the Improv a couple times.
Yeah, you're really... You're really, really funny.
Oh, thanks.
You know, Ira just lost 20 pounds.
Oh, congratulations.
Yes, I did. All from my cock.
Um... So...
So, this episode right here is actually a two-parter.
Great, so does that mean we're gonna watch both parts right now?
Oh, shoot. Oh, God.
You need some help with that, Ira?
No! No, it's...
It's okay, I got it. I got it. I got it.
Mmm.
I'm joking. I'll get a rag.
See you in nine days, Ira!
I went to a place recently
I'm convinced is the most fucked up, crazy place
I've ever been to. It's a little place called Cold Stone Creamery.
Now, the thing at Cold Stone is...
I can't believe this is what people like.
The sizes are "like it," "love it" and "gotta have it!"
What kind of crackhead terminology is that?
"What size you want, man?"
"I don't know, man, I just gotta have it!
"Put some ice cream in a cup with some sprinkles!
"Put your dick in a Butterfinger and fuck it for me, please!
"Put it in the cup! I need it! I'm tweaking! I'm tweaking! I'm tweaking!
"I'm tweaking! I'm tweaking! I'm tweaking! I'm tweaking!
"I'm tweaking! I'm tweaking! I'm tweaking!"
That's how it's done, son! That's how it's done, son!
Killed it, man. Crowd was crazy.
Is it always that wild on a Wednesday?
No, they were... They seem pretty good out there.
I'm really stepping up my game.
These bitches gotta start paying me for this.
Can't get no more free Randy. I just fucked that crowd in the ass.
Yeah.
Just awesome. Just fucking bam!
Crowd, me, bam! Crowd, me... My stand-up's my dick.
You know? I'm gonna do the same thing.
Bullshit! Let's get some M&M's and chips going.
Yellow! - Ira!
Hey. Kevin Rooney didn't show up,
so you're gonna do 10 minutes after Leo.
Really? Okay. Thanks. Yeah.
"Yeah, thanks, yeah. "
Hey. Did he just tell you you're going on next?
Yeah, I'm on next. Okay. Well, I'm on after you,
and if you go long, this is going to die in my pocket.
That wasn't a joke. I'm not a comic.
Okay, when you get the light that means one minute.
Okay.
The other night, I heard my balls and my dick talking.
And my balls were like,
"Are you okay?
"Is he hurting you?"
And my dick's like, "You don't know him like I do.
"He's a great guy. He loves me. "
There's always one guy that laughs way too hard in the...
Hey. George Simmons just showed up.
He wants to go on, so you are bumped.
Okay, how long does he do?
How the fuck should I know?
He hasn't been here in five years, but you gotta be ready.
Okay. Okay.
Thank you, guys! It's really nice to be here!
See that? I fucking killed out there. Yeah, that was good.
Watch out, Leo, watch out. All my new shit worked.
Yeah. Yeah.
I was supposed to go on after you. George Simmons showed up.
Now I'm gonna go on after him.
George Simmons is going up right now? Yeah.
I just opened for George Simmons?
Yeah.
That's fucking awesome, man!
Yeah!
All right!
Yeah, all right, I'm scared.
I'm scared for all of you guys.
You need me! You need me. I'm not gonna be here forever.
Who's gonna amuse you? It's so simple.
You just look at each other and say...
Everyone's laughing.
You people are so unamusing you have to pay another person
to come and amuse you. What do you do at home?
Just sit, fucking antsy, all day long,
"When are we gonna get to that amusement place?
"Amuse me. " You should be thanking me for those movies.
"Oh! Finally, a movie. Let's watch it together. "
That's the beauty of movies, by the way.
You go in there and you don't have to talk to each other.
And it's fun. You could stare at the screen.
And, "Maybe we don't hate each other 'cause we both like this movie.
"We are connecting on that.
"Hey, we're still together.
"All these years later, we still love each other, right?
"During the movie, yes. When the movie's over, 'You fucking bitch.
"'Why am I still with you? We have nothing in common.
"'Something's missing. "'
Anyways, I have no religion.
My parents did not believe in God.
That was great. They passed that along.
I didn't even have a fucking choice.
They were like, "Nope, don't do it. "
"Really? So, when Grandpa dies he goes to heaven?"
"Nope, he'll be in the ground. "
"Thanks, Dad. Should I sleep now? 'Cause I...
"There's no way I'll have a nightmare tonight. "
"Fuck you. I don't believe in nightmares, either.
"Fags have nightmares.
"If there was a God, why would there be a Holocaust? Go to bed, Son.
"Pleasant dreams. "
Simmons is getting a little dark.
What is he doing?
When you hear the waitress's footsteps
that's when you know you're not doing well.
Oh, boy, it's quiet in here.
You hear that?
I think I can hear the freeway.
Hello! I'm Ira Wright.
I'm not good-looking and I'm not bad-looking.
I'm kind of right in the middle.
So, like, if I had a good personality,
that might make it so girls really liked me,
but I don't. So...
Um... Uh...
Okay. George Simmons. Wow.
Now what do we do?
He seems unhappy with his money. Give it to me, I'll...
I could really spend that.
If he's depressed with his life, I don't know what I'm gonna do.
I live on my friend's pull-out couch.
So, anyway, I... Wait, did you hear that?
Yeah, George Simmons just shot himself in the face backstage.
It's sad knowing MerMan's crying inside.
Uh-oh!
Is he organizing a mass suicide? Is that where you're going?
Are you joining him?
Save some Kool-Aid for me. Just do it.
Don't worry, the next guy who's coming out has a dove hidden up his asshole, so...
And then Robin Williams is gonna slit his wrists out here.
So, that's nice, also.
I am Ira Wright, everybody. Thank you, very much. Have a good night.
Give me a break.
Yo! Hey! Hey!
This fucking guy.
What's up?
Hey. I'm sorry.
I'm parked right on the other side of you and I can't get in.
What, you come here to make some jokes to my face now?
You're hard to follow. I didn't know what to say.
I'm sorry about that. No, don't be.
I would've done the same. You had to comment on it.
Yeah, you had some funny shit.
You're a good writer.
Thank you.
Your friend... Is that your friend? The fatter version of you?
He's my roommate. Yeah, he's really funny.
You got good stuff. You're gonna be all right.
Wow, that is so nice of you to say, man.
That's so... I appreciate it. Hey!
You know, well, I've been a really big fan of yours. All of us.
We kind of grew up on your shit and, you know, incidentally.
So, that's so nice of you to say, man. Thanks.
Thank you!
Nice to meet you, man!
You're gonna die!
And I'm gonna kill you!
Man, that was awesome.
Cats.
Can you dig it? Mmm-hmm.
Just a bunch of cats.
Then me doing stuff.
Then back to the cats doing stuff.
You've gotten 700,000 hits in four days from this?
Yep. If you put "cute kitten" in the title of your YouTube video,
you're gonna get a million hits. Mmm-hmm.
And then I link that to my website
and you can see my stand-up on my website. It's genius.
Why don't you just call it like, "Megan Fox Blows Someone"?
And then more people would google that.
Hi. I've got two girls coming over here in a little bit.
Can you fold up your bed, please, into the couch?
I don't want the place to look like a mess when they get here.
Okay, I'm sorry. I was watching this thing.
All right? Okay.
Hello?
Hey, this is George Simmons.
Fuck you, Craig. What's happening, man?
It's not your dumb-ass friend Craig. It's George Simmons.
Oh!
I'm sorry. Hey. Hey, how's it going, man?
Hey, hey, good job last night. You guys were pretty funny.
You and the triple-XL version of you.
Oh. Yeah. Thank... Thank you. That's... I... Well, I appreciate that.
You guys are all right. Good job. I...
I'm doing this corporate gig for MySpace
and I'm gonna need some jokes and shit.
I was thinking maybe you guys would want to write me some.
You know, he's kind of a flaky guy, but I'm...
I've got nothing going on, man.
I would... I'd love to do that. Sure. Totally. I'm in.
What kind of jokes do you need?
Just shit about them or computers or whatever they like.
When you sprinkle a little lemon there, they get excited, you know.
That's no problem. That makes sense.
So, you want to be held accountable, come watch me do them tomorrow?
I'll take you to the gig. Okay, cool, yeah.
How should I... How should I... How should I get them to you?
I can give you my fax number and my e-mail.
What's your e-mail?
My e-mail?
It's irasexira@yahoo.com.
Wow. I'm just... I'm starting to reconsider asking you.
Don't do that. It's from high school. It was funny then.
Yeah, you should change it.
It's, like, 13 years old. Okay, I will.
I mean change it now.
Okay, I'll change it, I'll change it ASAP.
Okay, don't say "ASAP," either.
And don't say "I'm chilling" or "It's all good" or any of that stuff.
Okay, I don't. I don't chill anyway, so I won't.
And it's not all good, so don't worry.
Okay, Ira. Okay.
All right, Ira.
Guys, that was George Simmons on the phone.
He saw me do stand-up.
He thinks I'm funny! He wants me to write jokes for him!
What? Yep!
Why?
Why? He thinks I'm funny!
This doesn't make any sense at all.
No?
Jeez, I gotta get started.
What is happening?
You forgot about the bed!
Friends. Friends on MySpace. Nerds.
Nerds... Nerds have no friends in real life.
The more friends on MySpace, the less friends you have in real life.
"How does the softball team at MySpace work?
"Does everyone get picked last?" That could be funny.
At some point, you should have George say, "Fuck Facebook!"
"Fuck Facebook in the face!"
So, like, that's funny. All right, tell George I wrote that, okay?
Totally. Totally, man. You gotta be like,
"Leo wrote that. " Yeah, no, no, no, totally.
Hey, Ira, I think this is him!
He's got a limo!
Can we go out and meet him?
No, no, no. You can't say hi to him.
Just let me get in with him a little more
before I introduce people to him.
Don't kiss his ass too hard, all right?
Stars hate it when you kiss their ass too hard.
I hate it when people kiss my ass too hard. You do?
You hate it when people kiss your ass too hard?
I hate it.
Man!
Hey. I feel like we're going to prom.
Okay, well, we're not. Okay, let's hit it!
This is good. I like this one
about the guy from MySpace and the guy from Craigslist getting into a fight.
That's funny.
You're excited.
I am excited.
Yeah, that's good. It's good to be excited.
I used to be excited.
Well, it's awesome. It's exciting.
Wow!
Thank you!
Yeah!
Brought the nice legs with you. Good job.
Hello, hello. Good to see you, sir.
Welcome aboard. Thank you.
The name's Dave. Hi, Dave.
We may hit a few bumps up there,
nothing too crazy. We'll get you there.
Okay, cool! All right.
Hope you enjoy Chinese food. I love it!
Very good. Enjoy your flight. Thank you.
Wow!
You guys were a little late, so we had to put up James Taylor first.
Karen, she's a silver sun
You'd best walk her way and watch it shine
Watch her watch the morning come
A silver tear appearing now that I'm cryin', ain't I
I'm going to Carolina in my mind
How'd you guys get him?
Everybody's got their price.
Last year, we had Roger Waters doing Dark Side of the Moon.
That love's the finest thing around...
Okay, I thought it could be funny if you just go,
"Fuck Facebook in the face!"
All right. Hey, you do five minutes before I go up there.
What? No. No, I can't follow Fire and Rain. Are you kidding me, man?
I can't follow it, either. That's why you're going up there.
Oh, yeah
Thank you, MySpace!
Fuck Facebook!
I can't believe that. He did the Facebook joke!
Yeah! He did the Facebook...
I can't follow this, man. I can't go on right now.
Give me this shit. Get up there. Be a man.
This is a pretty big room.
Lot of people here.
Let's have another round of applause for James Taylor, everybody.
Yeah, do you actually use MySpace?
No, no, no. I fuck girls, Tom. I don't have time for that.
I wonder if Tom and Craig from Craigslist would ever get in a fight with each other.
Who would win that fight? That's what I want to know.
Tom or Craig, who's tougher?
Tom has more friends, so that's probably good.
Craig has weirder friends, though.
Craig has friends that are willing to do a lot more for cash. I will say that.
Eh?
What the fuck was that all about?
You did all the jokes you wrote for me.
Oh, man, I know. I'm sorry. I panicked. It's all they wanted.
They just wanted MySpace jokes. They didn't want...
That's why I hired you to write me MySpace jokes.
I know, I'm sorry. That one, I didn't tell that one.
That one will work.
I guarantee you.
It better work. They're paying me 300 grand.
Mr. George Simmons! Really?
Thank you. Thank you. All right, Tom, thank you.
Good evening, nerds! Yes!
What about Ira, everybody? How'd you feel about Ira Wright? Yeah.
That guy, man.
He is such a fucking nerd, I can't believe he doesn't work with you people.
Tom started MySpace just to get friends, I know it.
So, they say the more friends you have on MySpace,
the less friends you have in real life. You know?
"I have 100,000 friends on MySpace!
"Yes!
"Isn't that great? I have so many friends on the computer. "
"What are you doing tonight?"
"I'll be on the computer.
"That's what I do. "
I hate the new generation of coolness out there.
You just never get any information out of people you talk to, the youngsters.
"Hey, what are you doing?" "Just chilling. "
All right. I know, you're chilling.
"What're you doing tonight?" "Things. " "Okay. "
I like dumb people, you know. They like to talk to you.
"Hey, what's going on?" "I like lollypops. "
"Good. "
"My favorite color is butterscotch. "
Do you ever get tired of singing the same songs, you know, over and over?
Do you ever get tired of talking about your dick?
Yeah, I don't like... I don't like blowjobs very much.
I don't like... A lot of guys like the blowjobs,
I don't love them. I never know what to do with my hands. You know?
I'm always like...
You can either go hands on the hips or the salute is fun.
Yeah, it's always shocking when a girl blows you.
You're like, "Really? You want to do it? All right. "
I got some advice for the ladies out there.
When you are performing that act on a fellow don't ever say,
"You know, you're the first guy I ever got the whole thing in my mouth.
"Normally, normally, I get, like, halfway down and I just start fucking choking,
"but with you, I got a ball in my mouth!
"That's never happened!
"Look, I have him in my mouth right now, and I'm speaking perfectly clear.
"Normally I have a stutter. "
That wasn't a pee, that was a shit. That took too long.
Here's 1,000 bucks. Good job.
Thank you so much, man.
I've never made this much money doing anything, man. Thank you.
Good. I'm thinking about doing a lot more stand-up.
Okay.
And my assistant got pregnant.
I didn't even know she... I thought she was a fucking lesbian
the whole time, but...
They can get pregnant, too.
That's nice. That's very nice. Yeah.
So, you want to kind of assist me, you know?
Yeah! Yeah. I mean, not, not...
I mean, you can write jokes for me, too,
but get me sodas...
Whatever you need, man!
...and, like, clean my shit up and... Yeah.
How much money you make now?
It depends on how many hours.
Usually, I can get about...
I'll give you 1,500 bucks a week.
That's amazing, man. Thank you so much.
You want to fuck these two girls?
Hey, the JT.
George. That was the best. You killed them.
Ira.
Hello. Yes, Mr. Taylor. Yes, hello.
You wanna fuck these girls?
I filled my quota in 1982, I believe.
All right, I'll have to figure this shit out.
I know those girls.
You do? Do you want to meet those girls?
Will you fucking settle down? Yeah, talk to them. Be gentle.
You're twitching like a fucking madman. That guy in porno?
No. I would know. No?
Mandy. Well, hi there.
You're still swimming? Get the fuck out of there.
I'm ready for you.
Yeah. Oh, my God.
Oh, God. Feel that stomach. Oh. Yeah.
I like that thing. Good. Well, go for it.
It's hard. Bam!
This house is crazy.
Oh, yeah, you got to see the whole thing.
Come here. It came furnished.
Really?
That's my man, Ira. He wrote a lot of good jokes for me there, honey.
Make sure he shows you his cock. It's very, very thick.
See you, George.
Hey, wanna have a contest to see who can hold their breath the longest?
You didn't go under.
Nothing's gonna happen between us.
I can't believe I'm having sex with George Simmons.
Yeah, he can't believe it, either.
My dad loves your movies.
Yeah, that's the best when you talk about your dad.
Dad, this won't bring Mom back!
I have nothing else!
You're a champion, Dad! You're a champion!
Oh! You're still here.
I know that asshole.
You two were just fucking, huh? How'd that go?
No, I have a boyfriend. We already talked about it.
Yeah. John. Yeah.
Your friend took off. She thought you left, so...
Really?
That's what happens in a big house.
It's called "the big house problem. "
Your friend actually left her purse down the hall.
You want to go get it with me?
Oh. Okay.
Don't you leave on me, Ira.
Fuck me like MerMan!
Come on! Do MerMan! Do the MerMan call!
Come on!
Oh, yeah! Yeah! Oh, God!
Hey. Oh. Hey.
Sorry about the chick, man. I...
You weren't getting it done, so something had to happen.
Oh, that's... No, she... I wasn't even trying.
She told me she had a boyfriend.
Oh, yeah. She told me she had a boyfriend, too.
When she was sucking my cock!
What the fuck are you doing with that big dick of yours?
You gotta use it! You gotta share Thickie with the world.
I don't... It's normal.
You want to go upstairs, man? Talk to me while I try to fall asleep?
Okay, if... Yeah, if that's what you want me to do.
Yeah, yeah. Sit down, man. That was a fun night.
That was a good night.
Yeah, that was crazy.
Yeah.
So, you slept with both those girls, man.
How did you do that?
How did I do that? There's this...
Girls like famous guys. It's a story for them, I guess. I don't know.
I take advantage of it, though.
Believe me, they always leave disappointed.
That's amazing.
Yeah, yeah, so let me hear about this name, Ira Wright.
That's not your real name, right?
How could you tell?
You're hiding some Judaism.
No, my real last name is Wiener.
It's Ira Wiener and everyone...
It's spelled the same as "wiener" and I just got tired of correcting people.
So, that's what led you to the path of comedy.
Being humiliated every day. First day of school,
"Is Ira Wiener here?"
And you were in the back.
"Wiener. My name's Wiener. "
You little fruit. What were your parents like?
What are the older "Wieners" or Wieners like?
My parents are divorced.
They hate each other. My mother thinks my father's the devil.
I don't know what that makes me, technically, but...
So, you'll never be as funny as me.
Why not?
Your generation has the divorces, which is cute-funny,
but my generation has the, "Oh, my God, my father's about to hit me with a bat!"
I just... You gotta break out the funny a lot quicker than your little faggy childhood.
Are you serious?
I spent my whole childhood trying to make my father laugh.
I still haven't succeeded, but we'll get there.
Don't bail on me yet. Keep it coming.
When's the first time you fingered a girl?
I was at summer camp, Jewish summer camp, on the sports field.
And her name was Sharon Mizrahi.
I didn't know what to do. I got really scared.
She reached down and grabbed my penis really hard,
like she was just trying to murder it.
Morning. Yeah, baby.
It took me three hours, but I think I found your kitchen.
Am I in the bathroom still? Is that it?
No, no. You're good. You're safe.
What do you got there?
This is medicine, Ira. I'm sick.
One of those girls have chlamydia? I thought she smelled funny.
Is that what it is? Yeah.
I have a weird blood disease. AML. It's a form of leukemia.
This is experimental medicine from Canada.
There's an 8% chance of it working. So, fuck me.
Well, that's not true 'cause if it was,
I would've read about it or heard about that.
You didn't hear about it because
I didn't fucking run out and tell Entertainment Tonight.
Well, why would you tell me?
'Cause I don't really know you, Ira.
I think you're not gonna get too weird about this.
I don't want to start getting treated like the guy who's gonna die.
So, anyways, this shit's got a lot of caffeine in it.
They say that's good for you. Let me take the medicine.
Why are you telling me this, George?
'Cause I want you to possibly do me a favor.
Okay. Yeah. What?
Kill me.
What?
Nobody knows we know each other.
You're a stranger. You can get away with this.
I got a gun in the other room. It's untraceable.
I'll give you $50,000.
Don't make me suffer. Please, kill me, Ira. I'm begging you.
Can you at least give me, like, a night to think about it?
Ha!
Think about it? You would do it!
Oh, I hate you, man. Oh, no!
Ira, I misread you. You're sick! You're a murderer!
Screw you, man.
You wanted to do it!
What would you have done for $100,000? Chop my head off?
You would still want to do it!
That wasn't even good acting over there!
What the fuck? That was good acting.
Daniel Day-Lewis would've crushed that speech.
I bought that, man. Wow!
Ira, you don't have to kill me, but I am gonna die.
George, look. Honestly, I'm like... Don't get close, Ira.
...a really gullible guy. Don't do this.
Look, my friends, they trick me all the time.
One of my roommates told me he was Joe Pesci's son.
I believed him for three years. I still get shit for it,
so just, please, level with me, man.
Are you serious? I am serious, Ira.
Don't tell anybody about this though, all right?
I want it to be our secret.
Now, you're gonna make me some eggs. Okay, murderer?
Don't say that.
Just try not to kill any of the staff
while I'm gone, okay? They have families.
Well, he actually tricked me first, but then he showed...
I mean, he's taking medicine.
He's getting this special medicine from Canada.
Oh, my God, that's the saddest thing I've ever heard.
Yeah. I think I'm the only person he's told.
That's what he said. I mean, he's really... He likes me, in a weird...
I think he's, like, taken a shine to me, you know.
Not enough to let you in on that two-on-one.
Come on, that's not appropriate.
I don't want that anyway.
I just don't know. I mean, it's...
It's really scary. I've never even...
I don't think I've known anyone who's, like, sick,
you know, in like a major way before. I don't... I just...
George Simmons. He's been around my whole life.
It's like Snap, Crackle and Pop dying, you know?
I know.
Can we not talk about this right now?
I'm not really good with the whole death thing.
Is that all right?
I need to talk about it, man. I work for this guy now.
I can't... I mean, that's all I'm... It's all I'm thinking about.
I'm gonna tell you this story that makes me feel all right with death.
When I was younger, my grandfather died
and we were all gathered around him
and there was this one candle next to his bed.
And right after he died, the candle started flickering and then it just went out.
Wow. Yeah.
And we looked around, and there were no windows.
Like, nothing in that room.
And it sounds crazy, but we all thought
it was him going to heaven, you know?
You don't pass through fire to get to heaven.
I think he went to hell.
What'd you just say? - I just...
I think your grandfather probably went to hell.
Don't do it. Are you kidding me right now?
I'm... I'm sorry to break it to you.
You're gonna make fun of me right now,
just after I opened up to you guys like that?
It's not my fault your grandfather's in hell.
It's not a big deal. Some grandpas go to hell.
Come on. Don't be a jerk to me
just because I make more money than you guys.
How much do you make again?
You guys are just projecting all your hatred onto me.
Okay, and don't be super bummed out
'cause your grandfather's playing backgammon with Hitler right now.
Shit, dude, don't.
I gotta get rid of this stuff.
Man, I don't know what I'm gonna do with it.
The more money you make, the more free shit they give you.
It makes no sense. I don't see any jet skiing in my near future.
All this shit was free?
You want a TV, Ira?
I got, like, three flat screens laying around in there somewhere.
Sure, I can... Yeah, I can just take this stuff to Goodwill if you want or...
You know what? Don't even worry about this stuff. Let's...
I got some cars in storage you could sell for me
and just give that money to charity.
I can do that, yeah.
I'm gonna write a list out for you,
give you a bunch of things I want you to do.
What size sneaker are you?
Eleven and a half.
You got that thick cock, don't you? I want to see that thing.
Come on, pull the cock out.
I'm not gonna show it to you.
What the fuck's the matter with you?
I'm not gonna do anything with it.
I just want to know what I'm dealing with.
If you give me an iPod.
You asshole.
All right, you can have anything in here,
but you gotta take the MerMan poster.
No, I want... I love MerMan!
I knew you loved MerMan.
You and five-year-olds love MerMan.
It's a smart movie.
So, which, specifically, of the cars belong to George Simmons?
Which one? Yeah.
All of them.
All of them? Yeah.
Well...
How would I go about selling?
Selling them? Yeah.
Well, I don't know about selling them but I can make a few disappear.
You know what I'm saying?
I don't want to do that.
I don't want to do that, either.
Just kidding.
Scene D is up! Let's go on a bell. Yo Teach...!
And action!
All right now... Bradford!
Yeah? What is this?
Bo's English test.
Well, there's a mistake.
Well, yeah, there are lots of mistakes.
That's why there's an F on it.
You know, if Bo doesn't pass, he can't play in the big game Friday.
Either you make this right,
or you'll be spending the summer teaching driver's ed. Honk, honk!
Shit.
I can't be a part of this. I'm not...
Yeah. I'm gonna go.
This is just so painful, though, isn't it?
Yes, I want to kill myself.
So, where are you from, originally? You just moved here, right?
Yep. Delaware.
Delaware! Our first state in the Union.
Yes, it is.
That's great. No sales tax in Delaware, right?
Yeah, there's not. That's weird.
You know so much about Delaware.
You fucking Joe Biden?
He's from Delaware. See? I knew that.
Bo, you're a smart kid. I've seen you rap.
Yeah! - All right?
Now, I am willing to give you a makeup exam on this, all right?
Do you like music?
Did you just ask me if I liked music?
Yeah. That... I'm... I'm aware that that's a weird question.
It's like asking me if I like food.
That was my next question.
Yes. Good.
Wilco. Do you like Wilco? Wilco's playing at the Greek Theatre.
And I was just wondering if you maybe wanted to go with me.
Yeah. I'll go. I'd be into that. I like Wilco.
Great.
Okay, great, great. So, I guess we will go to the show together.
Not anymore.
You serious?
No, I'll go. Oh, okay. Thank you.
Just don't say that ever again.
Okay. I won't.
Yo, Teach! Yeah?
Thanks.
Word.
Do-ra-mi, wiener
My name is Wiener
Don't call me wiener
Whatever. You got any jokes for me, dum-dum?
Got some good ones, I think, actually.
I have a thing about how, like, you're rich, you know,
and so you bought a private jet,
but you're afraid of flying,
so you just drive in it.
Oh, that's funny.
You just go to drive-throughs and car washes.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll come up with the ending, but that was good.
I thought it could be funny about your balls, you know, about how, like,
you're getting older and you found the first gray hair on your balls.
And it really worried you, but then you realized it was good
'cause it made your balls look distinguished and smart.
Like, if you gave your balls a little tweed jacket with elbow pads and a little pipe,
your balls could be like a character Kevin Kline would play in a movie.
Yeah, that's funny, that's funny. I could do that.
What else you got?
Actually, this just kind of happened.
I'm making you an iTunes playlist.
For what? Sometimes, when I'm upset,
music makes me feel a little better, so I thought maybe...
Oh, it's a cheer-me-up thing?
I was gonna just put it on your iPod.
I don't have to play it right now.
For what? For when I go out jogging? I don't need to...
Let me hear it. I don't jog anymore. Let me hear my playlist.
Ira! Ira!
Okay, you don't have to make fun of it.
No, Bob Marley!
Yes. Everything is gonna be all right. You're right, Ira.
Bob Marley had cancer. Everything wasn't all right for Bob Marley.
He dead now.
What else you put on there for me?
I really don't want to do this, George.
Can we just... I'II... Just forget I did this.
Ignore it. I'll erase it, okay?
No, no, no, don't do that. Let's hear what's gonna cheer me up! This is good.
Come on. What else you got?
Okay, here's the next one.
Now I've had the time of my life
No, I never felt like this before
I don't know what to say to that one.
That's... That's just... That's just fifth grade and...
Showing me your cock was embarrassing, but this is okay?
Oh, God. That's a good song.
Yeah, what else? Give me more. This is... This is unbelievable.
You sure you want to hear another one?
I don't... Yeah! Yeah, yeah.
This is fun to be cheered up.
I'm sorry...
Shadows are falling And I'm running out of breath
Keep me in your heart for a while
If I leave you, it doesn't mean I love you any less
Keep me in your heart for a while
When you get up in the morning And you see that crazy sun
Keep me in your heart for a while
Just write me some jokes, you stupid, fucking idiot.
Okay, I'm sorry.
Keep me in your heart for a while
So, I'm not married. I don't think I'm ever gonna get married.
I just... I can't find a reason to do it, you know?
Like, I got friends, like,
"You gotta get married. My wife.
"My wife is a... She's the best cook.
"My wife's the... You gotta. "
And I'm like, "My cook's the best cook. "
"But my wife, she's my best friend. "
"Yeah, my cook's actually a pretty good guy. " You know?
This could be funny.
Like, your dad didn't like you, so he named you and your dog George.
He'd be like, "Hey, George, come in here!
"Not you, the dog. "
"George, I... Look at this awesome book I just got!"
And then you come in, it's like, "Not you, the dog. "
That's funny. Yeah.
"Hey, George, I made a nice steak for you. " "Hey, thanks, Dad. "
"Not you, the dog. "
"Hey, George, I just put some peanut butter on my balls. Come lick it up. You. "
Fuck him.
I miss the dry hump as a concept in my life. It just doesn't...
I miss the dry hump 'cause you don't need a big dick to be a good dry humper.
You just need a big thigh, that's all you need.
Be able to get your thigh in there real good.
I can thigh the hell out of a girl.
Sexually, I'm completely terrible, but I could do this all day.
I'm very rich, by the way. I know that makes you feel good about your life.
I got so much.
"You have so much. Why not me?"
I have people stop me on the streets sometimes, just go,
"You have so much!" "Yes, yes. " "Why not me?"
Like, "I don't know. "
"Why you? I came out here to do what you do. "
"Well, you're not doing it. "
"No, I'm not!
"Fuck you! I want all your money and all your whores. "
Airplanes are the last public place
where you can fart as loud as you want and no one cares.
'Cause they don't... It's loud. There's engine noise.
They just don't know it's you.
Like, you could literally be talking to someone you just met
and be sitting this far away from them
and look them dead in the eye as they talk about their grandson
and just fart as loud as you humanly can. Just...
"Yeah? Where's your grandson from?"
My asshole's been open this whole time. It's just still...
Hey, can you help me with some of my jokes when I... When I drop you off later?
Help you with some of your bits? Yeah.
No. I'm not gonna help you, man.
No one helped me when I started.
Fucking, I'm not paying to help you, I'm paying you to help me.
No, okay. You're right, you're right.
There is always the one girl out there, though. The one that got away.
Guys have that and serial killers have that. The one that got away.
"I had her, the trunk was lined with garbage bags
"and then she got away. "
I'm sick of rap songs telling me what to do.
"Bend over. Slap your ass, girl. Drop it like it's hot. "
Yeah, I'm gonna write a song back.
I'm gonna be, like, "Boy, brush your teeth!
"Yeah, boy, bump that jacket off your back. I'm fucking cold as shit!"
I masturbate so much with hand cream,
I forget people use it for shit other than masturbating.
Literally, when I'm in public and I see someone pull out hand cream,
I'm like, "This guy's about to jerk off!"
Can I ask you something?
Is your act just designed to make sure no girl will ever sleep with you again?
All you fucking talk about is jacking off and farting.
You think a girl's gonna come up to you after the show,
"Could you just jack off for me and then fart in my face?"
It's fucking insane! Do you want to get laid, ever?
How will you people live without me?
Who will bring you joy when I'm gone?
'Cause I'm one funny man
I bring the comedy
I am the one you go to, to get cheered up
Put in my movies
Escape, if you will To a land of loveliness
He doesn't have patience
He hates so many people He's mad when others do well
He hates himself Fuck George Simmons
He has a medium-sized penis
He fucked so many girls And yet no one remembers
When he's done fucking them
The girl just lays there and says
I should have fucked Jean-Claude Van Damme instead of you
Fuck, yeah! Fuck, yeah!
George Simmons soon will be gone
And he will not miss you people at all.
Our relationship has always been strained.
You always wanted too much from me, and I'm very mad at you.
Leave me alone. Don't visit my grave, cocksuckers.
Peace!
Oh, my God, it's George Simmons!
What are you doing here? What's happening?
I couldn't sleep. I want to get the Cavaliers game.
I can't get this thing ever to work.
I was up all night, man. I had a terrible sleep. I was sweating my ass off.
I'm fucking hot one second and cold one second
and the alc don't work for shit.
It's always going up to the roof.
What time is it?
It says 3:00.
It's 3:00? God damn it! I can't fucking waste time. I gotta...
All right, let's start my goddamn day.
I don't got time for this shit.
Let me have that stupid clicker. Come on.
They keep telling me that I gotta dial an extension.
I don't even have the fucking number to dial for the fucking extension!
Do you want me to try calling them?
You should have fucking called them!
Where the fuck were you last night?
You'll call them.
I'm sorry, man.
Just tell me what you need, I'll get it done, okay?
You pay for all of this stuff and none of it ever works!
Nothing! I don't even think I'm sick!
These guys are trying to fucking kill me!
I want to go to the doctor. I gotta see this guy.
What the fuck is happening?
This medicine does not work. It makes it worse!
Okay. I'll call them right now. I'll tell them we're coming, okay?
Now. We gotta go now.
I'll call them right now, okay?
Yeah. I'll meet you downstairs.
Please put away the video game. Don't do that. Don't be rude.
I'm sorry.
Fucking playing Centipede?
What the fuck were you playing?
Just a driving game.
Hello, Mr. Simmons.
Hey, yeah, Doctor, good to see you.
How are you? I brought my friend.
This is my... Well, my lover, my life partner, my everything.
How are you? What's going on? How we doing?
Well, your immune system is in the middle of a very serious battle.
The medicine is trying to combat the disease,
but in the process it destroys healthy tissue
and disrupts healthy functioning of your organs
and multiple lymphatic systems,
so you're getting attacked on two levels.
And we hope the disease is vanquished
before it and the medicine does damage which cannot be contained.
Okay.
Your accent is very thick.
You ever notice your accent
makes things sound worse than they... Than they actually are?
You could give good news, and I'd still be like,
"What happened? Am I still dying?"
I'm just trying to help you.
I know you sound like a regular Joe where you come from,
but here I keep thinking you're gonna be torturing James Bond later.
I'm sure your sense of humor will serve you well in this situation.
There he goes again. All so terrifying because it came out of your mouth.
You are a very funny man.
Are you mad that you died at the end of Die Hard?
I don't understand the reference.
He kind of looks like those two guys in the second Matrix movie.
I assure you I was not in The Matrix.
Why did you eat Björn Borg? What did he do to you?
If you have no other questions, I do have other patients.
You have other patients that you have to frighten by the end of the day?
How many patients do you frighten a day?
And I am slowly getting a little bit annoyed
by these humorous activities from you guys.
So, I think you and...
We have discussed this and I am very,
very sympathetic to your recovery,
and I hope we will succeed with what we are doing.
I've been trying to build this cabinet I bought from you guys
for, like, six months and I gotta...
IKEA? That's very funny.
Hey. Yo, Teach. Hey.
How's... How was the taping?
Great. Great, yeah. I'm happy with it.
I think the ending really murdered.
Was it a very special episode?
You remember Daisy, right?
Yeah, of course.
Hey.
I'm sorry.
I didn't know you'd be coming home tonight.
I thought maybe you'd be spending the night at George's and...
Guess it's been more than 10 days, huh?
Yeah, I gave you an extra 11.
What are you guys talking about?
Nothing. Doesn't matter. It's cool.
Don't give a shit. Totally fine.
Hey. I saw the new Harry Potter movie.
Harry's getting old.
He's, like, older than my dad.
They should call him Harold Potter.
That Hermione's got some big, old titties.
Whoa!
Did you two just bone? I'm getting a little vibe here.
This is exciting. Think I'm getting a quarter chub.
Why is Ira so upset?
It's been, like, way after 10 days.
He can't call dibs on every girl he meets.
We were supposed to go out on a date together.
We are going out on a date. I thought so.
We're not anymore! No!
Really?
'Cause after you fuck my roommate that kind of ends it with me!
What are you talking about? Don't treat me like that.
Just so you know how I'm seeing you? You're a starfucker.
You're a girl who met a star and then fucked him.
And he's not even that famous!
What if like a real good-looking celebrity was my roommate?
What if I lived with, you know, James McAvoy or Jude Law or something?
I don't know. I probably would fuck both of those people.
Don't say that.
I'm sorry! Lower the bar a little bit.
I can't believe that!
If a hot girl walked over here, naked, and was like, "Do my body," you would.
You would have sex with her.
No, I'd feel really uncomfortable.
And then I might ask her to a Wilco show.
Okay, then you're the first guy in the world that I've ever met that's like that.
I thought you were the kind of girl that would wait two months
and then have sex with a guy.
I didn't think you would just...
I'm an independent woman.
I'm allowed to fuck people.
Well, if I had known that, I would have scheduled our date a lot sooner!
Give me a break. I don't even know you.
This is the longest conversation we've ever had.
Don't be mad at me. I said I'd give you 10 days.
I gave you three weeks.
I thought you were joking, man.
I'm gonna be honest with you.
We... We... We want to fuck every girl that we meet.
That's how it works.
If I didn't sleep with every girl you wished you could sleep with,
I wouldn't sleep with anybody.
It's a communication breakdown. We can fix this.
I don't care. The fact that you had sex with her...
I can never do anything like that with her.
So, you're really not gonna chase this girl just because I was with her?
Yeah.
Huh.
It's kind of insulting, on some level.
Wanna go to Wilco with me?
I wish I could, but I'm going with Tobey Maguire.
I might play his little brother in this movie.
I hope I get it.
Give me something. You didn't get rid of them. What did you get rid of?
Well, I, you know, I got a few good offers,
but honestly, I don't know how much each car is worth and I...
They keep on wanting to buy all of them
and it's hard for me to... Don't make it a big deal.
Don't get a stomach-ache over it. Just sell them.
Give it to a charity. Move on.
Okay.
I just want to be happy about
giving something away, you know.
Okay.
So...
There's something I've really been wanting to tell you, George.
Uh-oh.
Yeah.
I feel as though you need to tell someone other than me about your condition.
I don't want to do that.
George, people care about you.
You have to let them be there for you.
I tell somebody, then it's all gonna change, and you can't get it back.
Everything's already changed, George,
and the truth is soon you're gonna start getting very sick
and you are gonna want someone other than me there.
I mean, have you... Have you even told your parents yet?
My parents are in their mid-70s.
They would drop dead if they heard about this.
Friends. You must want to tell your friends.
I don't really have any friends.
I have people I shoot the shit with and fuck around with,
but there's nobody I'm really close with.
I've got showbiz friends.
Andy Dick isn't a friend. He's just a guy you know.
You're my closest friend, and I don't even like you.
You have to tell someone other than me, man.
I can't be the only one who knows.
I've never dealt with anything like this.
All my grandparents are alive.
Listen, this is not your job to cry. Your job is to not cry.
I'm just trying to talk to you man-to-man, George.
As a man, you are crying right now.
I'm not crying.
People are gonna think we just broke up or something, Ira.
Stop doing what you're doing.
Okay, I'll stop.
You're causing a scene. You're making crazy faces now, Ira.
Open your eyes. Stop crying.
You're making noises now? You look like the Incredible Hulk.
Jesus, you're spitting on my shrimp,
you asshole. I'm sorry.
God, I'm sorry.
Come on. Wipe it off.
Jesus Christ.
I'm sorry, I just don't know.
This is the worst.
Why didn't I just get hit by a fucking foul ball?
You ruined The Palm, you fucking ass.
This could have been the best meal, ever.
Should I get you ice chips or something?
No, I'm good.
You never had any kids, huh?
No. No. We didn't get to that.
I have three.
I know.
Three kids to carry on the Dick legacy.
How the hell did you have any kids with all the penises you've blown?
I sucked my own dick and spit it into their vagina.
I mean, knowing that. Most people just go through life asleep anyways.
Some of those people don't even wake up until they get, you know,
the Dr. Death call, you know.
"This is Dr. Death! You're going to die. "
"Don't be afraid, George.
"It's just Death calling. Cheer up, motherfucker!"
Yeah. Fuck negativity.
Fuck it in the ass with a Chinese monkey!
I wish I wasn't so fucking angry with you right now.
Well, I'm sorry. I'm sorry I wasn't a good brother.
You were a terrible brother.
You just left us and you didn't care.
You didn't give a shit about us.
You don't even give a... You moved to Kansas.
Am I supposed to visit you in Kansas? Yes.
I thought that's why you moved there, so you didn't get visitors.
You're so fucking selfish.
I know.
You've only seen my son, like, three times.
I send him fucking DVDs all the time.
He doesn't want your DVDs.
He wants you to be a part of his life.
He wants to be a part of yours.
Wow. This has been great.
I want to call Dad now and just have more family time.
What did we ever do to you? I'm not Dad.
You are right.
You're very, very nice, and I'm sorry I don't know your son.
I'm sorry I don't know you anymore.
I'm glad you don't know me.
I wish I did.
You'd be let down, believe me.
Oh, man.
Oh, God.
Who's that?
That's the girl I was gonna marry...
...but then she smartened up.
So, she's 10 and she's six.
So cute.
Jeez, she looks like you, the little one, huh?
Yeah.
What's the matter? Your guy doesn't have any DNA in him?
That's all Laura.
They fight a lot, but they're cute.
Yeah. Thank you so much for coming here.
I wanted to come. I wanted to see you.
You didn't have to come here.
You didn't have to. I know it's stressful for you.
I'm just... I'm just... I'm so sorry.
I'm so sorry about everything I did.
You don't have to be sorry. That was 12 years ago.
Everything worked out for the best.
It's good. Look at your life. This is great.
Yes. It's the best life. I hate it. I hate it all.
I haven't been... You don't hate it.
I'm addicted to it, I guess. I keep doing it.
Hello, Wayne. This is Ira. I'm calling to say
I don't think today is a good day for you to come by and see George.
Maybe tomorrow. So, I'll give you a call when I know what the schedule looks like.
Thank you. I'll talk to you soon.
You have a family now. You have a family now.
I'm so happy. You did the right thing. You moved on.
You got a good life.
And... And I just got nothing, Laura. I hate that.
I hate that it could have been me with you.
Don't do that, please?
I'm sorry. I just fucking...
You... I could have had those kids with you.
How could you cheat on me? I was so hot.
You were. You were so hot. I don't know.
I was hot!
I don't even know what the fuck I was doing.
I was just a stupid idiot. I don't remember anybody else.
What was wrong with you? I don't remember anybody else.
I only remember you. I don't know.
I don't even know who they were, who fucking ruined us.
They're not in my brain, ever. It's like it didn't happen.
The only thing that happened was us.
And you ran away 'cause you had to.
I had to go.
At the time, I just couldn't do it anymore.
Yeah. But you know what I realized?
I love my husband,
but it's just not the same.
And I loved you so much and...
I know, I know, I know, I know.
I have the same thing. I have the same thing.
Don't feel bad. Don't feel bad.
I love you. I love you. I always loved you.
And the crazy thing is he cheats on me, too.
I hate...
He's like an Australian you.
I fucking hate this guy. Is he crazy?
It's just that you were the one.
Just you are... Were... Are the love...
Love of my life. And I just love you.
Yeah, the hug was a mistake, wasn't it?
You're not sick, are you?
You're just doing that to get me down here, huh?
There are those hands again.
My big hands.
Always made my penis look small.
Thank you, hands, for that complex.
Yes. Jeez.
The two of them together, it was a guaranteed dwarfing. Okay.
Yeah.
That was worth it.
We're into overtime now, just so you know.
Jeez, that came quick.
I wish that you guys were really my friends
and I didn't have to pay you to jam with me.
All right, so let's keep going then.
All my little plans and schemes
Lost like some forgotten dream
Seems like all I...
Diego. Yes, George?
The roses look terrific.
Thank you. They sure look beautiful.
Only a guy with a big cock like you could make roses this beautiful.
Don't need to be alone
No need to be alone
It's real love It's real
Yes, it's real love
You doing stand-up at all?
This is actually the first time I've left the house in three years.
But I will sometimes, in my house,
in front of my kids, I'll do five, six minutes.
Not good stuff. It's a lot of "Where you from?" You know.
But, you know, all kidding aside,
I know you're in a terrible situation,
but even with that, you look so much better than him.
The Kingdom of Heaven is, is in your hands
I don't expect for you to awake from your dreams
We watched your last movie on video.
A man who is funny doesn't have to work blue.
You don't... You don't have to do trash to be funny.
I'll tell you who was a great comedian.
Please say me. Who?
Jackie Gleason.
Yeah, of course.
You like him 'cause you look like Art Carney.
Gleason was terrific. And you ain't so bad.
All right. Thank you, Pop. I know.
It's real
It's real love, oh, yeah
It's real love, yeah
It's real love It's real
I think I played it all wrong, Ira.
I played it all wrong.
Okay. He's here. We saw each other. Let me answer it. Mark.
Stop. Let me answer it. Mark, man.
Move, bitch!
Hey, George Simmons. Hey.
Hey, what's up?
Happy Thanksgiving. Hey!
Mark. Leo is the name I got.
How are you? Yeah, yeah. Yo Teach...!
That's right! Yeah, right.
Oh, boy.
That movie's the best 'cause you're a man then you're a baby
and then you learn to be a man once you be... You need...
It takes becoming a baby to learn how to become a man.
Yeah. Can we get you a drink or some food?
No, no, no. Let me just walk around and go through your shit.
Hey, I'm Bo.
What's up, Bo? I'm an actor, so...
Oh, good, good, good, good, good, good.
I've seen your act a lot.
Really? Where?
Schmira, he has that... What's that, the YouTubey thing that, that...
- The YouTube. - Yeah.
George and Daisy are here? How the hell did that happen?
I didn't think George would come, and who invited Daisy?
I invited her.
Are you still sleeping with Daisy?
No, I'm not sleeping with Daisy!
I have a new girlfriend now. I'm dating the girl who plays Mrs. Pruitt.
Her name's Carla something.
Can I sit next to George at dinner?
Sit wherever the hell you want to sit, man, why?
I feel like if I can just make George crack up once,
it'll do huge things for me, like...
What, you wrote jokes for Thanksgiving?
I didn't write jokes.
I just wrote down my funniest anecdotes
and punched them up here and there.
Okay, I can't hide in the kitchen all afternoon. I'm going.
My man. The Schmira.
Thanks for coming, man.
This is the best. Where's your bedroom?
Well, get ready for a hike, 'cause you're standing in it.
No. It's... Yeah, it's pretty lame.
Did you go to that Wilco show?
Yeah, did you?
No, actually, I didn't. I scalped the tickets.
I made 100 bucks profit, so...
Oh. So, you owe me 50.
Okay, I guess I do. Rain check, okay?
Money order.
Money order? That'll work. Yeah.
PayPal? Are you on PayPal? Yeah, PayPal it up.
Look at that, back and forth, like a cute couple.
You're like Marc Anthony and J. Lo.
You know, we actually had a date, but then I had sex with that guy,
so Schmira broke it off.
You kidding me?
Don't worry, Ira. You know you're a better lover than Pete Rose over there.
Look at him. He's got the length and the width.
Imagine that dong of his.
I saw the tip of it one time. Even that was too big for me.
No, it's very normal. Yeah.
So, you like big penises?
Well, you know, I have a really skinny vagina, so...
If it's skinny, you should try feeding it carbs.
Yeah. All right, well, jeez, you know what?
I'm gonna leave you two alone, huh?
Yeah, okay.
I'm falling in love with the both of you.
Let the awkwardness begin!
Love your work.
Yeah? Thank you for shopping at Ralphs.
I'm sorry. I owe you an apology. It's really weird what I did.
I basically yelled at you for cheating on me before we had even had a real conversation.
So, I'm aware of that. I know that's weird, and I'm sorry.
Well, it's not as weird as getting drunk
and having sex with the guy from Yo Teach...! So...
It's okay. When I first moved here, I blew Mr. Belvedere.
So, everyone does that.